What is the goal of parenting? I think to put it in a very condensed nutshell; it is to “train a child up in the way they should go.” Of course, that’s the easy part; defining the goal. Now, application, methodology, etc., this is what all the books have been written about.
It seems to me that to some extent, most authors have approached the subject from an outcome based perspective rather than what I would consider a more biblical, obedience based approach. What do I mean by this distinction? An outcome-based perspective would simply be to find what works and go with it. However, the Scripture spells out very clearly that we are to live in obedience, and while our obedience is always a good thing; the visible results are not always what we would consider successful (ask Job). Also, since we are an impatient species, our tendency is to use whatever methods that satisfy our insatiable desire for that which is expedient. This is rarely the way of God, who sees the beginning to the end and knows all things. The Scripture says to, “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). The second part of this verse is something that we should spend more time considering. For God there is no time consideration. (II Peter 3:8)
Moreover, outcome based thinking in a fallen world is not reliable, at least not when we are dealing with humans. Outcome based thinking would suggest that, if one does the right thing, then the results would be pretty much guaranteed. I would suggest that this is not Scriptural. Isa 1:2 says, “Listen, O heavens, and hear, O earth; For the LORD speaks, Sons I have reared and brought up, but they have revolted against Me.” Now, if you think about the implications of this verse, the temptation is to be discouraged. I mean, if God, who by definition is the perfect parent, never messing up, never saying or doing the wrong thing, has His kids rebel against Him, what hope do we have. Well, that’s the “glass is half empty” view of the verse. Let’s look at it from the opposite perspective. If I’m doing my best to live obediently as a parent, and my kids still rebel, I’m in pretty good company. Though I would warn against the temptation the enemy would try to put on you that you need not seek further, or continue trying or improving, after all, look at God’s kids. This would be the same as falling into the trap of Rom. 6:15. God has His own intentions for our kids. God is infinite in His knowledge of both our kids and us. God thinks in terms of their (and our) whole life, not the now.
I am certainly painting with a broad brush here, considering that I don’t know all the parents in the world and I’m not so vain as to think I am the only one to look at parenting from this perspective. However, having been a parent for some 28 years now and having observed the basic way in which those around me have parented their kids, and how I have parented my own, I have made some observations and have some suggestions. Let me make it clear that many of these observations have come from my own failures. I have not come through this parenting experience unscathed. Hopefully, however, the scars and still fresh wounds are reminders of the need we all have to “pray without ceasing”, “to seek the Lord at every turn”, “to die daily”.
To some degree or another we have learned, more often subconsciously or even by osmosis, to see our position as parents to be primarily authoritative. We often demand or insist that our kids follow our ways, and to some degree this is not wrong (especially when they are of a sufficiently young age). However, what is it that we really teach our kids when we make this insistence? We teach them that, someday it will be their turn to be in charge and they will be able to tell those younger than them what to do and think and believe. Is that really all we hope to accomplish in the short time we have with our kids? I would suggest that this is one of the trends that need to be broken. It is the sinful nature within us suggesting constantly that we consider ourselves and our needs and desires over our children. There is a principle found in Matt. 20:28 and Mark 10:25. These verses talk about the fact that Jesus came to serve not to be served. Throughout Scripture this principle is suggested as a contrast to the world’s way. Die to self, give your life for your brother, lay aside, give your coat as well, turn the other cheek, etc. Is parenting the one area that is exempt from this principle? I think not.
As I thought of this, the next question that I asked myself was; how can we parent as a servant, without giving up the authority that God has, in fact, delegated to us? How can we serve our kids in a way that isn’t simply passing along some strain of passiveness? Isn’t this the problem with some parents that want to be their kids pal rather than leading them? After all we are told to raise them up in the discipline of the Lord? (Eph. 6:4) What I’m suggesting may just sounds like some ‘60s feel good, hippy commune kind of child rearing. Not at all.
Throughout Scripture we are faced with believing things that appear contradictory. Most of which can be easily placed in the same category as the Trinity, or anything infinite. We simply can’t comprehend them. However, our inability to understand isn’t proof that these things are wrong or actually contradictory, or not worth discussing or pursuing. It is important that we spend our efforts, even in the face of clear teaching that there are things we will not understand until we see Him, to understand as much as possible, that we can accurately divide the Word of truth. So, just because a thing seems difficult or even impossible, doesn’t exclude it from our pursuit. Back to the subject at hand.
How does this apply to parenting? I believe the challenge we face is how to be servant/ leaders to our children. How do we serve in our parenting? Or the better question might be, how do we serve our children without giving up our authority, our God given authority? How can we “make” our children, as it were, “tow the line”, hold to the faith, behave in a moral, obedient, law-abiding way?
First of all, we have to understand that what works when they are babies, won’t work when they are toddlers. And what works when they are toddlers, won’t work when they are in the next stage of growth and so on. I know Christians are hesitant to use the word evolve or evolution, as am I when it comes to creation. However, the word is not without its place. Parenting must evolve from one stage to another, if we are to be able to effectively, lead, mentor, serve, and train our kids when they are adolescents and older.
I believe one of the first things we need to do to accomplish this is to learn to be observant. I don’t mean in a creepy way. I’m not suggesting we follow our kids around or peek through doors. I am suggesting however that we pay close attention to what they say, not only to us but to their friends, siblings, and acquaintances. I fear that for the most part, we have settled for putting out fires and being satisfied with them simply not getting into trouble. Most parents are reactionaries as opposed to pro-active. If our kids are getting good grades, not getting suspended, no evidence of drugs or alcohol, have gotten pregnant or gotten someone else pregnant, we are fat and happy. We breathe a great sigh of relief and seek our own satisfactions and pleasures, kick back, relax, and thank God for His grace. Shame on us.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 paints an entirely different picture of parenting. “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Notice first of all that the text uses the word “teach” not preach, there is a difference. Teaching can be done quite effectively without the student even knowing they are being taught.
For years now my oldest daughter has given me grief for not simply telling her my thoughts or telling her what to do in a particular situation. I talked with her on this subject just a couple days ago and had to remind her why I responded so often the way I did. Primarily it was for the purpose of seeing what her thought process was up to that point. Keeping in mind that it’s my primary goal as a parent to train, I would hold back any suggestions or thoughts I had on the particular subject until I found out where she was at. It is so important that our kids learn to think things out. Obviously, if a situation was one of urgency, this would not apply. However, most are not.
Why are we so quick to offer our opinions? Why is it so important that we are heard? I believe that the simple answer is, pride. For most of us, there is pleasure to be found in being “right”. But, again, is this our goal as parents, to be right? It should go without saying that we desire to give our kids good information, but I’m wondering if our pride would have us concentrate more on telling them what’s right, than on helping them think right.
Back to the Deuteronomy passage. Notice the times that are to be teaching times; When you “sit in your house”, When you “walk by the way”, When you “lie down”, When you “rise up”. I’d say that pretty much covers your waking hours. It goes on to say that, “You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” In other words, simply put, what you believe and teach should be easily determined by anyone who knows you because it is as obvious as if it were written on your hand, on your fore head, and on the doorposts and gates of your house. To me this paints a picture of complete and total commitment to what is believed. This certainly doesn’t suggest that our faith is a “part” of our lives, or that we should set aside time to talk of these things, rather it is an all consuming passion. Again, this is not to suggest that we spend our days walking around saying, Holy, Holy, Holy (that’s the job of the heavenly hosts). While it’s not unwise to have this in your head and on your heart, it is likely to do more damage to a kid who already may think you’re a little crazy just because you’re an “old person”. 🙂
Generally when I’m thinking of parenting issues, I’m thinking of that which affects high school kids and older, at least this is the time period I’m most passionate about and involved with. However, if we are to be most effective in our communication with and mentoring of, this age, it is incumbent upon us to encourage those with younger kids to begin as soon as possible laying the ground work. These principles of communication will be far more effective if begun at an earlier age. This is not to say that it’s ever too late to reach out in such a way, it is simply to show that earlier is better.
Getting back to the point of being observant. A few years ago I volunteered to be a chaperone and driver for my son’s class trip to Cedar Point (an amusement park). I decided before I got to the school that I was not going to say a word from the time we left the school until we arrived at our destination (approx. 2.5 hours). It only took about 5 or 10 minutes before, for all practical purposes, I became invisible. While they didn’t start swearing and telling dirty jokes, the conversations were such that it was crystal clear they forgot I was there. I learned a lot on that trip.
This brings to mind another point that I’ve found very useful in parenting. Having worked with young people since I was one myself, I learned that how I reacted to things was significant to the conversation(s) that would follow. If a kid came to me or revealed something to me in a conversation that was shocking to any degree, I reacted the same way as if he had simply said he was going to do some normal activity. What I mean by this is, though there was at times the temptation to be aghast, I resisted. This always set the tone for the conversations to come. Our kids are already hesitant to come to us for fear of condemnation. This is why they seek the counsel of their friends.
Think back on how you reacted or would have reacted at the suggestion by your parents or any other adult that it was foolish to confide in, and seek advice from one who was the same age as you. Usually, this conversation would include words like “stupid” or “foolish” or “ridiculous”, etc. Now, let’s be clear, those words do accurately describe the practice of seeking wisdom from those of your own age (as a young person). To seek help from your peers, for the most part, would be like starting a new job and upon needing clarification of your duties, you asked the other new employees that started the same time you did. Of course, the wise thing is to ask a person of experience for advice.
I had a situation with one of my daughters when she was probably about 12 or 13. She was hesitant (to say the least) to take advice from me. Clearly, she was questioning, at least in her mind, my credentials. So, I asked her, “Do you think you’re smarter than your younger brother?” She said, “Of course I am”. I asked her, “What makes you think you’re smarter than him?” She replied, “Because I’m 6 years older than him?” Of course, there was the implied, “Duh!” in her tone. I said, “Then don’t you think that I might know a bit more than you since I’m 36 years older than you?” Of course if I had said it in a “you may think you’re smart, but you’re actually quite stupid” sort of way, it would have been worthless in making a valid point, and would have simply driven a great wedge between us. Instead, her response was silence. Point made; point taken.
Another Scripture that I believe is applicable to parenting is Hebrews 10:24, “…..and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds,” I don’t think I’ve ever heard this verse taught in association to parenting. Let us consider how to stimulate our kids to obedience. Again, this is not to be a replacement for discipline, when needed. I would simply suggest that were we spending more time and effort applying this principle in training our kids, we would be closer to parenting in a way that is Biblically based.
For me, the bottom line in communicating to kids is making every effort to get them to think. We are the adults. The Scripture says that, “He is mindful that we are but dust.” (Psa 103:14) Do we show the same consideration to our kids? Are we mindful of the fact that, while they act all confident and omniscient, that they are, in fact, without significant life experience.
They are, in terms of wisdom and knowledge, “but dust”.
To be continued…